Sunday, November 4, 2012

Sunday, November 4, 2012

It has been a long time and I feel really bad! I get so busy and things happen which makes me lose my focus. I really want to keep up with this. I feel it can really come in handy. I have an enemy and its this deep dark place, in which I sometimes seem to creep into. I don't like being in that place, and I try to keep myself from going there, but its hard.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted.

Michael, my "amazing boyfriend in who I love so much" broke up with me a few months after my last post. We tried to stay friends, but we brought the worst out in each other. We would stop talking for a while but he would text me every now and then saying he wanted to be "friends with benefits". I'm not sure if I've said this in any of my previous posts, but I lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me. So us breaking up it me hard. But that was about the end of that.

I haven't dated anyone since Michael, but I have "talked" to a few guys.

There's this guy named Dalton who I've had history since Kindergarten. Yes, Kindergarten. He gave me earring that were my birthstone color. Ever since then we've been friends, but when we "dated" in 6th and 7th grade (yes I know that was young!) our friendship is weighted down with the fact that the line between friends and more than friends had been crossed. Every year since 7th grade, we've "talked". During the few weeks that we "talk" we just hang out and act like we're going to get back together. And each time, I fall a little harder for him, and it hurts worse when it all ends. Well we started "talking" again a few weeks ago, and it only lasted about two weeks. But at the end of this time, I found he had an ulterior motive. He just wanted to be "friends with benefits" and lose his virginity. Of course he knew that I wasn't a virgin anymore, so I guess that's why he wanted me to lose his. But I didn't know this until the end when we had sex, and then he just kind of stopped talking to me. No more hanging out, unless it was with our group of friends. I have lost respect for him, cause even though we've had history, we've remained friends. I am really close to his mom and we talk about everything. So she knows the situation and told me not to allow him to pressure me into anything because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I love them both, so I want them both to remain in my life, but I am finally done with Dalton.

I just feel used and I am ready to take my sexual integrity back. I don't want a relationship with a guy unless he's willing to wait a long time without having sex. I just don't want anymore heartache. It really hurt. If I could take anyway anything from what has happened in the past, I wouldn't take away what actions I did, because it has taught me a lesson, I would take away the pain. I know the pain is what taught me the lesson, but I wish I could learn the same lesson from a different source. 

I love my life too much to be in the dark place.  

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